Absence makes the heart grow fonder…
But for me it makes the guilt grow larger.
So, I have been thinking about this for days. Yes, literally days and days and days.
The “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” that comes in streams and fits, followed by guilt. Guilt only a Jewish grandmother could inflict. And I ought to know, since I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood; riding the waves of dos, but more importantly, the DO NOT(S). These were stamped on our foreheads- edicts for the day, the week, the month, our lives.
Do not neglect your duties.
So here am I battered and bruised- but why should you care, that would just produce more guilt, but then again, why should I suffer alone? I will drag you along with me. I berate myself, “Stop being such a namby-pamby and get over it.”
Yeah- Get over it! There is no reason to heap guilt like gravy on mashed potatoes. No need at all. No explanation needed. Well, maybe just one of those.
It is, was, and always will be fear; fear of judgment, from the world. But why do I need to worry, I heap enough of that self-condemnation upon myself, right? Hmm, no answer required. I already knew the answer before I asked it.
Damn girl, get over yourself and do what you are called to do. It may only touch one or two but it reaches out and touches souls.
Wow, I start and they take over my pen. Praise God and his holy angels for them interceding in my life.
I am sure, you, like me, have been harsh on yourself- it is so easy to find fault.
Then I had a vision; in it I had a conversation with Jesus. I asked him to help me with all of the parts of myself that I didn’t like. He answered my prayer and took a big eraser and started deleting parts of me that I found ugly or offensive.
First to go was my hair; that dull, lifeless mop. I was bald. OK, I thought, better than the mess I had before. Next he rid me of my eyebrows; strange that my face lost so much expressiveness without those hairy caterpillars. Then he went after every wrinkle and extra fleshy, fatty area. I hardly recognized myself without such substance to critique and criticize. Next he took away all the pain, but with it those parts of me that feel pain. So, at the end of the first day when I was feeling very tried he decided to rest.
“What more could he take?, I quipped. There wasn’t much left; two weather worn hands and two painful feet. No shoes did I want to wear. Suddenly a child was there. He wanted to look upon me and gaze into my eyes; those wrinkled wells of yesterday, I thought to myself. Then I heard God speak to me, “Careful child or they’ll go too. Lost they will be with each complaining plea. Better to rejoice in all you know and all there is to be found.”
Then it ended.
It may of been just a vision but it was very real and I know God was speaking to me through it. It made me realize that I need to be kind to myself and feel thankful for each laugh line on my face and wisdom wrinkle on my hand. I know with all my heart that I need to be nice to myself. And so do you!
We need to love and appreciate all of our parts and all of our days.
Thanks for reading,